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Anger Management. Why We Hurt the People We Love

A discription of negative and positive emotions

When looking for anger management help or anger management courses, it is important to understand what anger management means.

Anger Management is NOT

Anger management is not about never feeling angry. Anger is a normal emotion just like joy, sadness, anxiety, trust, grief, and love. The problem with anger is that it motivated you to behave badly towards the person or whatever you blame for your anger.

Once you blame, you start to demonise the other person. Once you have demonised the other, it is an easy step to hurting them.

Anger Problems Start Subtly

Anger problems can begin subtly by just putting a chilly wall between you and your loved ones and then progress in severity over time to criticising personality, attacking self-esteem, insulting or name-calling, threatening, destroying property, hitting and unfortunately, all the way to killing someone.

So, the problem is not the anger itself, but the behaviours motivated by the anger. That is why it is imperative to learn the skills to regulate vulnerable emotions of core hurts which are feeling disregarded, unimportant, accused, guilty, devalued, rejected, powerless and inadequate or unlovable.

Why do We Hurt the People We Love?

The reason we tend to hurt the people we love the most is because that is when we are at our most vulnerable. That is when our barrier is down because we trust that the other will not intentionally hurt us.

In intimate relationships, we have a lot of power over each other. We know where each other’s “buttons” are. Therefore we need to be extremely responsible and not abuse this power we have over each other.

Taking Responsibility

Everyone needs to take responsibility for healing their hurt feelings. The reason for taking responisbility is so we don’t start hurting other for making us feel bad.

The road to psychological ruin begins with BLAME. The road to psychological power begins with RESPONSIBILITY.

Blame makes you feel powerless and comes from the limbic system or child's brain. Solutions must come from the thinking or adult brain.

Blame is always about the past. Solutions must occur in the present and future.

Hopefully, now you have a better idea of what anger management means. Anger management courses need to be able to teach you how to heal and regulate any hurt feeling you are experiencing. Unregulated hurt feelings and behaviour are the problems that you need to learn to manage.


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